What not to wear — ever

9 June, 2008
Rat Fink

Those of you who know me probably figured you’d see a post like this, somewhere along the way. If you are offended by frank discussion about what women wear to the office and to school, click here. I won’t be mad.

I’ll get right to the point. There are a few conclusions I’ve drawn over the years:

  1. Too many women do not own full-length mirrors. I say this because there is no way on God’s earth they could look at themselves in a full-length mirror and still leave the house wearing what they’re wearing.
  2. Too many girls think that wearing shirts and jeans that are two sizes too small will actually make them look two sizes smaller.
  3. Too many girls think that stomach, back and butt fat being squeezed over the edges of fabrics and out every imaginable clothing opening turns guys on.
  4. Too many girls think that the more cleavage they show (even if it’s on an 11-year-old 6th grader in a 30AA push-up…trust me, I’ve seen it), the more everyone will think they’re shecksy.
  5. Too many women think that if their blouse pulls at the buttons to the point of ripping the fabric, people will think….well, I don’t know what. I got nothin’. But they wear them all the time. Even on job interviews.

Item:

Is this what I see every day? Um, yeah. Now is it just me, or is this completely unattractive? Guys, please comment. [Don’t worry — it’s the internet, fuh cripesake. You can be anonymous.] Is this sexy? Should I change my outlook?

But honest to God — what was she thinking? Did she look in the mirror that morning and say, “I like how my fat looks when it flops over my polka dot belt when I walk”?? Who likes this? I mean…am I just uninformed, and it’s actually cool?

Maybe it’s just that these girls are comfortable with who they are and what their bodies look like. I say that’s great, and I wish I could say the same with confidence. But there are ways to wear nice clothes if you’re not a size zero. Let’s face it: sometimes, it ain’t about self-expression. Sometimes, people don’t care to see everything you’re made of. Those times are at work and at school. And I don’t consider myself a prude or prim and proper…I just think women — especially younger women — don’t use their heads. I am fine with girls dressing sexy, but Mary, Joseph & Buddha…use some discretion. Don’t go to school (especially if you’re a teacher, fuh cryin’ out loud) or to the office with your bodacious ta-tas hanging out.

I read some research about this. A psychologist who did a study on teenage clothing styles said:

Some of these girls don’t want to admit that they need bigger clothes. The little skinny girls are still shopping in juniors, and the big girls don’t want to admit that their bodies aren’t little.”

That could explain the following:

Item: The Sausage Casing Look

So let’s say that the girl does cover herself up and doesn’t have muffin bake exposed. Trouble is, many girls cover up with wafer thin fabrics that are skin tight: the Two Sizes Too Small Syndrome.

I want to help these girls. What shall I do? I know. An assembly on the first day of school. Bring in Clinton and Stacy!

Another disclaimer: Much of this is done in jest (ok, some of it is done in jest). I’m no snappy dresser — not by a long shot — but I do make sure all my imperfect parts are not on display for the general public. I know that doesn’t solve the issue of my face…but I’m afraid there’s not much I can do about that, other than the Unknown Comic thing.

Fink out.

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Dano
Dano
18 September, 2008 10:35 pm

I think the muffin top can be pretty hot. Not into anything too big… The sausage casing look was disgusting… But I vote muffin tops are pretty ok.

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