One Adam-12, see the woman…

31 August, 2009
Rat Fink

Here we go, fiends. I’m runnin’ like a fink on fire. The Great Race begins today and ends (temporarily) on 16 December. That’s the next time I will breathe.

Mark me, though. Weekends are reserved for family and fun stuff with friends. OK, most weekends will be reserved for those things. But the schedule doesn’t look bad for September. October, however — well….

RNF for today: While making tea this morning, I found myself quietly singing the chorus to Beyoncé’s “Put a Ring On It,” which was played at the wedding on Saturday during the bride’s bouquet toss. I remember thinking that night, and again this morning: that tradition is probably ready for the wrecking ball. I mean, can you remember a wedding reception in the last 20 or so years where the “single ladies” made a mad dash for the dance floor in order to catch those flowers so they’ll be “next,” or where the DJ or bridesmaids weren’t out in the crowd, bodily dragging girls out of their chairs?

I played sporadically with a band years ago in a neighboring city. The leader, a loud-talking, bigger-than-life, lounge-lizard type in a cheesy tuxedo, would announce the bouquet toss with an infuriating “you know you want to do it” smirk in his voice. When the bride would throw the flowers, he’d shout, “Dive! Dive! Dive!” into the microphone. I always wanted to walk up behind him, take that mic stand, and…well, you know. It was humiliating to the girls on the floor. You could tell they hated it, but were taking one for the bride & groom.

So no wonder every single girl beats feet to the ladies’ room when she senses the impending bouquet cookie toss. Who wouldn’t want to avoid it? “OK,  ladies and gentlemen, we now feature the girls who can’t get husbands, or are still in middle school.” I have worked wedding receptions for 30 years and have never once seen a group of girls who enjoyed it, or at least didn’t stand with their arms behind their backs.

Now, a bride throwing her bouquet over a stairwell or in the parking lot just before leaving — that’s cute. Everyone is gathered around — we’re not hauling single women out to the center of the ring like the next round of cattle at the auction.

All right, I must fly, my darlings. My mind does wander.


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31 August, 2009 8:48 am

So many wedding ‘traditions’ are based on outdated notions – the bouquet-toss/garter toss, the father leading the bride down the aisle, the white dress, the best man’s role, drinking champagne from the bride’s shoe (a tradition which actually has pagan roots), etc. I wonder how many couples actually research the traditions and know what they are enacting. As a soon-to-be Mother of the Bride, I sure hope my daughter does her homework.

I’m heading into madness myself, so hang in there, girlie. We half-centennials have to stick together!



31 August, 2009 9:23 am

And who can forget the ever-popular:

…something old…
…something new…
…something borrowed…
…something blue…
…and a penny in my shoe!


31 August, 2009 9:29 am

Same thing with the garter toss for the guys! I used to participate in it when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s. After that I started running for the great outdoors when the ritual was announced.


31 August, 2009 10:19 am

Through the years I’ve had only a couple of brides question the giving away. One or two of the liberated ones said, “I’m not property to be given away.” In one wedding the middle aged bride had her sons give her away. But having officiated 280 weddings throughout the years, the huge majority of couples chose the traditional service even when I give them a more contemporary option. I can hear the music from Fiddler “Tradition….” Sometimes it’s powerful, even though tremendously out of date and maybe even repugnant. Who are the brave that will break the mold? However, I… Read more »

31 August, 2009 8:14 pm

So Chelly and I were having this discussion not too long ago. I helped her pick out her bridal gown, and got a lot of heat for it. She didn’t mind at all, but both mine and her elders were quite upset that I saw the gown before the wedding. I don’t believe in that garbage superstition nonsense. What on God’s green Earth does a bouqet catching, a garter catching, giving all of these stupid things, and what the bride uses as a bouquet at the rehearsal have to do with actual marriage? I mean, we got ourselves out of… Read more »

Tom Hanks
Tom Hanks
1 September, 2009 12:01 am

Sasha Fierce has a pretty cool robot hand.