Funny? I think so.

24 May, 2008
Rat Fink

But first – NEWS FLASH!

Prepare yourself………..

Wait for it………..

You can do it…………

Wait…………………..

Ready? Here goes.

Another professional athlete has been charged with a violent crime. But wait, wait wait! Don’t get upset. Don’t get up. It’s just manslaughter. Saints DE Charles Grant immediately posted bond, so he’s not in jail. Nor will he likely ever be. Thank God, Jesus, Mary, Buddha, the NFL, and really boss defense lawyers.

On to today’s clever grist.

Let me first say that I am no fan of the LA Times (or the New York Times, for that matter), for reasons that don’t really matter. But yesterday I ran across an opinion column written by Joel Stein of the Times. Loved it. It was actually quite funny. Truth be told, I wondered if I liked him because I recognized a bit of my own writing style in his. Is that a terribly vain thing to say? I don’t know. I’m older, so I say the writing style should belong to me. In fact, I should have his job. But I digress.

After I read one of his blog posts, I looked at a bunch of his other stuff and loved it all. You should read him.

Anyway.

His column included advice for celebrities on how to avoid the paparazzi — from the paparazzi themselves. He then spins it into something quite silly, but at the same time, gives it an odd ring of truth:

Go out early: Do your errands before 11 a.m. because, as you know if you’ve ever seen paparazzi, there’s no way they’re awake before 11. And make dinner reservations before 8, because there’s a window between 5 and 8 p.m. when they’re doing their equivalent of office work: uploading video, sending photos, killing puppies.

Don’t go to the Ivy for lunch:* Sure, the Cobb salad is good — but are you completely unable to find a salad at a less tourist-packed, paparazzi-stalked joint? If you’re going to the Ivy for lunch, you want your photo taken. This is the place where Melanie Griffith went with sudden-friend Sharon Stone last week in what will rank as the most desperate plea for sexual attention from a 50-something until whatever Kim Cattrall does in the “Sex and the City” movie.

Hire security: …Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes…are among the hardest celebrities to get pictures of….Cruise’s SUV has a dividing wall and window curtains. Also, he can melt film with his mind.

And the best piece of advice: Wear a burka. Heh.

* I’m thinking that isn’t the kind of free publicity the owners of the Ivy restaurant had in mind.
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