And because the Grammar Hammer can only stay in the drawer for so long:

Insulted Idioms and Lambasted Labels (poor things)

1. It takes two to tangle. No, it takes two to tango.
2. Card shark/pool shark. Actually, if you do something like play cards or pool really well, you’re a sharp. A card sharp. I know, sounds funny. And it’s unlike a loan shark; that’s a fish of a different color altogether.
3. Extract revenge. Getting someone back for wronging you is exacting revenge. Extracting revenge would be pulling vengeance out of another person, thus putting it on oneself. Don’t nobody want that.
4. Please RSVP. This is really picky, I know, but it doesn’t make it any less redundant. “RSVP” stands for the French phrase, répondez s’il vous plaît, which means “Please answer.” So, a proper response to “Please RSVP” would be, “All right already; ya doesn’t hasta beg.”
5. Laundrymat. Seems to make more sense, but actually, it’s laundromat, used by Westinghouse years ago to describe their automatic laundry machines.
6. Orangutang. Definitely more fun to say it that way, but there’s no ‘G’ on the end. OranguTAN.
7. Get the “i” out. It’s pastoral, mayoral, electoral. Same thing with the “u” sound. Don’t say nup-tu-al; say nuptial. No need to put an extra syllable in there, as Americans are often wont to do.
8. Upmost. Nope. You have the utmost respect for your elders.
9. We need your imput. No you don’t. You need my input.
10. Finally, for the hundredth time: There is only ONE ‘R’ in SHERBET. SherBET. BET. I snickered when I read this quote from Primer magazine: “This is one of those words that ultimately had to abandon its crusade for righteousness and now has been corrupted to the point where dictionaries may list the incorrect pronunciation as acceptable because of just how rampant the carelessness grew to be. But there’s only one ‘R’ in ‘sherbet,’ America. No matter how awesome the rainbow flavor is, there’s still only one ‘R’.”

Heh.

Hey, the chocolate cake is done. Time to put together an experiment in decadence before taking off for rehearsal. Happy weekend!

And not because I say so, but rather, because they make you sound like an…um….well, the name Yosemite Sam hurled at the gol dern dragon.

1. Foci. (pronounced “foke eye”) There is absolutely no reason to use this word outside a mathematical discipline, unless you just can’t help your annoying, pretentious self. PJ always used it to refer to multiple areas of focus in music ed. research. PJ is the little man who captained the Boston University Titanic on which I sailed several years ago. I won’t elaborate, or I’ll be here all day. Suffice it to say that PJ liked to hear himself use fancy words. PJ is the reason I cringe every time someone says “cogent” or “agency” (in reference to adapting to a concept). PJ ruined those for me, too. PJ killed my inner child. PJ is a bad little PhD. PJ is bad. PJ.
2. Brah. I suppose it’s a form of “bro” (a word which makes some limited sense), but please don’t use it to call out to your friends unless you want to sound like a Gangsta In Training. (You do the acronym. ;-))
3. Supposably. I know, I know. “Supposably” is supposedly a word — sort of. I say “sort of” because the adverb form of  the unusual adjective “supposable” doesn’t really exist, but people use it anyway. (Only in America, folks. Only in America.) Just don’t say “supposably” when you really mean to say “supposedly.”
4. Ironic. Well, you can use it, but please do so carefully. Many people confuse irony with coincidence. Behold: President Lincoln’s assassin shot him in a theater and hid in a warehouse. President Kennedy’s assassin shot him from a warehouse and hid in a theater. That’s not irony. It’s a doozy of a strange coincidence, but still — not ironic. Now what is irony? The Titanic was widely proclaimed “unsinkable,” but it beat feet to the ocean floor on its very first voyage. Whoa. I’ve used the word Titanic twice in one post. Ironic? NO. (Just unimaginative, sadly.)
5. “I could care less.” If that’s the case, then you care a little. It’s possible that you could care less than you already care, but you’d still care some. You’re caring, however marginally. Now, if you couldn’t care less, it means you’re pretty much done caring; you’re at the bottom of the care barrel. There’s no more caring to go around. Caring less would mean negative caring, which doesn’t exist, so in truth, you simply could not care any less. So you don’t care. OK, I’ll quit now.
6. 110%. Just…no.

Yes, I’m having a snark attack this morning. Does that make me a bad person? I apologize. I won’t take it out on you. That’s why I have high school students.

Yes, I am the Grammar Hammer. (Thanks, Lars. Mama raised such a clever boy.)

I am Defender of the Faith against the continuing barrage of direct hits our poor language sustains with alarming (and increasing) regularity. But lest you accuse me of captiousness or pretentious and arbitrary verbosity , I will say that I am not a total semantics snob. I like me some slang. So don’t go all David Soul on me. Because I like sentence fragments, too. Like this. So there.

Rather, today’s special is made up of meanings; specifically, mistaken ones. Have you ever used a word, then wondered what it really meant? I have — mostly when writing mind-numbing research papers. I can probably count on two hands the times I’ve reread a sentence, then consulted a dictionary about a word I’d used,  just in case.

Here’s a short list of mix-ups:

1. Affect is almost always a verb; effect, a noun. Poison ivy doesn’t affect me, but I’ve seen its disastrous effect on others.
2. Desert and dessert: I ate my cactus-flavored dessert in the desert, under the stars.
3. Fewer versus less: If it’s something that can be counted, say “fewer.” If you’re talking about something in quantities, say “less.” I have fewer than ten children, which means I have less stress in my life. (Certain exceptions to this rule apply, however.)
4. Whose versus who’s: Remember to release contractions to make sense of a thing. Whose shirt is this? Who’s in charge here?
5. When referring to three or more persons or things, say “among.” Use “between” when talking about two persons or things. Let’s keep this between the two of us. Who among us is perfect?

Answer to that last question: no one — least of all, the Fink. I just publish these little gems in the public interest, and to continue to uplift English to its proper height. Because, as you know…

Happy Finkday!

Here she goes again.

Why do I yammer on about the continued slaughter of our language? Not 100% sure, but I’m thinking it’s for the same reason that people rant about inconsiderate drivers, putting an empty carton of orange juice back in the fridge, not wiping one’s feet, chewing gum like a cow, cutting in line, or having 30 items at the express check-out. In other words, it’s not a life-threatening issue, like the tragedy in the Gulf of Mexico or second-hand smoke, but it’s important to me. Everybody got a cause, I guess. This is mine.

This, of course, does not mean I think I’m perfect. I’m also not indicting anyone’s character, although I know I can get a bit snarky or impatient from time to time. I don’t advocate grammar jail, either, honest. Rather, I rail for purposes of enlightenment and the Public Service Announcement regarding this specific subject. The end.

The title of the following list was my second choice, because this is a family show. Therefore:

How to Not Sound Like an Unintelligent Donkey

1. This is an outdated word, but lots of people still mangle it. They’re called “warmups” in gym class now, but they’re calisthenics. Don’t say “calisthetics” because it’s similar to “athletics.”
2. The name of the Mexican city of Tijuana contains only three syllables: tee-hwa-nah. The extra “A” sound is, well, just extra. Ti-a-juan-a.
3. Speaking of the extra “A,” it’s biathlon and triathlon. Just three syllables. Bi-ath-a-lon? No thanks.
4. “Preform” is definitely a word, but it doesn’t indicate what actors and musicians do. That would be perform.
5. This one drives me nuts, and I’ve heard it from super-educated people. A “pitcher” is a container from which Kool-Aid or tea is poured, or the person who throws to the batter. A photograph is a PICture, from which comes that annoying, infuriating, fingernails-down-the-chalkboard abbreviation, “pic.”
6. If his lungs took in too much water and he died in the lake, he drowned. No such word as “drownded.”
7. Honestly, it’s es-cape, not “excape.” Kind of like the ultra-bizarre “expresso/espresso” issue I recently lived through on Facebook.
8. If I had a dime every time somebody said “bob wire,” I could retire. As much as we may not like it, it’s barbed wire.
9. If something is sacred or held in reverence, it’s “hallowed,” right? “Hollow” is something that contains a cavity or large gap. All Hallows Eve is called Hallowe’en — it’s not hollow; it’s hallowed. Savvy?
10. Don’t be a hick  — avoid saying “vee-HICKLE.”

To those who say, “Relax! It’s just English — don’t get so worked up about it!”, well….refer to the list title. Whatever gets you through the night.

Happy Saturday — I’m off to Stein’s wedding, yay!

I suppose I would liken it to the Erylalsjdhgjjgghaskdljdlkjljhglka volcano in Iceland. I can take it only so long; then I must reopen the wound.

English speakers are a frightful lot in the first place. Matters worsened with the “shorthand” craze brought about by MySpace, text messaging, Facebook, Twitter and the like. And it’s not just “kids,” believe it. A shining example:

Dandy.

I will refrain from launching into a diatribe about other issues involving grammar and usage (adding useless letters to the ends of words, typing “lol” after every sentence, typing “plz” instead of going to the extraordinarily burdensome trouble of adding three more letters, using “your” where “you’re” is required, throwing in apostrophes like there’s no tomorrow, etc.), but rest assured, it’s on the way. Unfortunately, I’m out of time.

I am proctoring an English exam today at school. Coincidence?