A little music geek humor

14 February, 2009
Rat Fink

Sometimes, it’s irresistible.

I actually don’t appreciate “inside jokes” that exclude others. But when I received this from my friend Todd in Pennsylvania, I couldn’t resist posting it here.

Even if you’re not a musy, you can probably infer some rather indelicate suppositions about the composers listed.

THE MOZART EFFECT

A recent report now says that the Mozart effect is yet another
charming urban legend. The bad news for hip urban professionals:
playing Mozart for your designer baby will not improve his IQ or help
him get into that exclusive preschool. He will just have to get
admitted to Harvard some other way.

Of course, we’re all better off listening to Mozart purely for the
pleasure of it. However, one must wonder: if playing Mozart
sonatas for little Tiffany or Jason really could boost his or her
intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played during
the kiddies’ developmental time?


LISZT EFFECT:

Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything
important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT:

Child speaks v-e-r-y slowly and repeats himself frequently and at
length. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT:
Child becomes an egocentric megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT:
Child continually screams–at great length and volume–that he’s dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT:
Child never repeats a word until he’s used all the other words in his
vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop
listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand
him.

IVES EFFECT:
The child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate
conversations at once, in various dialects.

GLASS EFFECT:
The child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and
over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over
and over again.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT:
The child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that
often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.

BRAHMS EFFECT:
The child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences
contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12, etc). However, his
sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

CAGE EFFECT:
Child says nothing for 4 minutes, 33 seconds–exactly.

Heh. Maybe they’re not so funny after all. But I actually laughed out loud at the Philip Glass one. Nixon in China, anybody?? (I know, that was John Adams, but the whole minimalist thing just tickles me to death for some reason.)

Fink out.

PS – Happy Valentine Day! Buy your hunny something sweet.

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11 Comments
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kodye
kodye
14 February, 2009 1:37 pm

Thanks to Music History class, I get about half of those jokes.

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BoomR
BoomR
14 February, 2009 2:36 pm

Those were the schizzle, manizzle! I got a good chuckle out of them – my fav: Wagner – I about wet myself laughing!

BTW, Happy VD, my sweet! Did you get the requisite chocolates & flowers from Thriller? I was the consummate spouse – I cooked a VERY romantic dinner for Bluvox & I consisting of turkey meatloaf & steamed veggie medley with chocolate (white and dark) strawberries to top it off. Wow – do I know how to party or WHAT?

XOXOXOXO

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BoomR
BoomR
14 February, 2009 2:37 pm

PS…I forgot to mention that we celebrated LAST night as I’ve got a gig tonight (the musical prostitute that I still am) :-)

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Ross
Ross
15 February, 2009 8:25 pm

As a devotee of Wagner, I gotta step up and defend that anti-semetic madman! the Wagner entry doesn’t, like the others, reflect his musical style; it’s an (accurate) ad hominem attack, and then a shot at his source material.

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Ross
Ross
16 February, 2009 3:29 am
Reply to  Rat Fink

If I had a parlor, or knew exactly what one was, I wouldn’t go that route, no. Good point on Lohengrin. For Mrs Ross and I, there was never any chance of any Wagner in our wedding- in fact, the only music I remember was an ABBA tune.

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Ladybeams
17 February, 2009 11:48 am

I thought this was great, although I’d love to have a head count of how many parents you’ve disappointed. LOL

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Stein
Stein
17 February, 2009 12:27 pm

The Guaraldi Effect:
Anything the child hears from an adult sounds like a muted trombone. The child is unable to sing unless his head is tilted back completely.

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