New and new

1 February, 2018
Rat Fink


I wrote not a single word to you in January, letting an entire month go by while the dust bunnies gathered here (only the second time that’s happened since I started this little circus way back when). It wasn’t on purpose, but I guess it was meant to be. I suppose I just didn’t have much to say.

But life indeed does go on, and I’ve experienced some beautiful joy amidst the heartache. My family and friends have been constant sources of comfort. My fears about intense loneliness have been calmed by activity and new adventures. I’m grateful to my wonderful Thriller for being so attentive to detail so that this transition could be as minimally painful as possible.

I’m thankful to — and this will surprise some, I’m sure — the Social Security Administration, the VA, and the Navy for processing Michael’s information so quickly. They took care of me within a week of my submitting documentation. They made it easy for me to tie up loose ends, enabling the Texas loved ones to make plans to travel north in April for his memorial.

Christmas Eve seems forever ago. There’s still a big hole in the house and my heart and life, but from everything I’ve heard and read, that’s to be expected. I know he wouldn’t want me to mope around; I’m working on that with some success lately. Lots of new feelings and experiences.

Do you believe RtB will be starting a new decade this month? Holy cats. I must come up with something fun to celebrate my 10th birthday. Maybe a neat giveaway or a contest. Or I’ll mail you all a pony. So many possibilities.

But now, alas…the shower, the road, and the school house. Back at it. Much love to you all this first day of RtB’s birthday month. Finkuary. ;-)



  1. So much love to you, my friend. Thanks for the heads up. I’ll start getting the stall ready in our carriage house (we actually have one of those)!

  2. You are doing exactly what the Thriller would want you to do, Bird. The heartache and the missing him will never go away, but as time goes by, you’ll be able to deal with it much better. Your family and friends will always be there for you with wide shoulders and much love. The future holds many new challenges and adventures. You will conquer them all, sweetie. We all love you very much!

    • I love you too, Mave — you’re the best! Thanks for always being there — we’re going to get you feeling better so we can plan some day trips!

  3. I hope we get to meet in person someday. I want to give you the biggest hug – and then treat you to lunch. As the daughter and granddaughter of two widows (my father and grandfather passed within three months of each other when I was 12)…I want to celebrate YOU. Your spirit, tenacity, and humor. Things that the Thriller celebrated regularly, no doubt. You are a joy. So much love to you.

    • I’d love to meet “for real,” Darice! Thank you for those kind words. You’re not far away; on my next trip east, we must do lunch and have a nice long chat. Hugs

  4. Thoughts and prayers for you always!
    Holes in our lives are funny things, they slowly fill with the “new” of life and living but they are never totally gone. No matter how full, the impression of that hole will always be recognized by you…I have some that are 50 years old and I still see them.
    So embrace the new as it slowly takes up some of the depth. Just know that the sediment of the new is there to help not erase.
    You are loved and cared for…your Finkettes do not mind waiting, ever! ?

  5. Don’t apologize for being away, we know where you are. *hugs*

  6. Oh, L., my heart aches for you. I have known the pain of loss, but never the pain of losing the “other half” of me. I pray and think of you every day and of the love that the Thriller had for you – that it will sustain you as you endure this new chapter. I’m proud of you for taking some time away and allowing yourself to embrace what’s become your “new normal.”

    After a loved one of mine passed away unexpectedly, I was speaking to a dear friend who noted that the loss is never less, the pain is never quieted. It simply becomes our “new normal.” We still hear their voice, their laugh and feel their presence – simply in new ways. I cannot tell you the number of times that I have thought, “What would Russell say?” or “I wish Nana was here,” when I have heard him or felt her right there with me. They live in our hearts and in our spirits. They catch us when we’re falling and they hold us up when nothing else possibly can.

    I shall say it again – as I’ve said to you countless times over the past year – you are not alone. You have so many who love you, and I’m so thankful to have you in my life. You have helped carry so many. I hope you continue to lean on those of us who love you and know that it’s our turn now. I will always love you.

    • What a beautiful sentiment, J. I love you too — and I guess it’s the voices of our loved ones who’ve passed that help get us through the rough spots.

      The Thriller and I never had the “if I go first, I’ll do everything I can to try and reach you somehow” conversation because he *never gave up.* He never gave in to the cancer; not even at the very last minute of his life. But I confess I always listen for him. I suppose I’ll do that for a long while to come. Thank you for being there and being so loving and sweet all these years.

  7. So glad that the SS, VA and Navy took care of what needed to be given to you , that is one last thing you need to worry about or have to fight with.. I think a little angel above was looking out for you on that end. Always will be with you in your heart and full of memories but he will always be looking out for you.. much love and I pray for you every day for your healing and strength !

    • Thank you Deb! I agree about my guardian angel. I do think it’s him. I know you’ve experienced profound loss as well; the memories do indeed sustain us. Thank you for supporting me on this journey!

  8. It’s so nice to hear from you again! I’ve missed your words.

  9. Once again you have shown how awesome you truly are my friend. You are braver and stronger than you ever knew you were. Losing anyone in your life is hard but when it is the one who is the other half of you…I cannot imagine. You continue to be on my mind and in my prayers. Now I must go build a bigger mail box so my new pony will fit! Love you:)

    • Deb, what an inspiration you are to so many — you’re fighting this horrible cancer demon yourself, and you constantly reach out to others to lift them up. An angel you are! Keep fighting! Love you back!

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