Answer me these questions three, ere the other side ye see.

1. Why is major change so hard to embrace?
2. Why do professional people think it’s acceptable to not return phone calls and emails?
3. Why is it that I’ve used a “Certificate of Live Birth” all my life to get everything from a passport to a Social Security number, and it’s not OK for Obama to use the same document to prove he was born in Hawaii? (I was told on the phone the other day that my original birth certificate was likely destroyed after my adoption.) All who know me know I hate politics and abhor nutjobs on both sides of the aisle, so this isn’t a partisan rant (cuz I don’t have a party, except in my mind every day). It’s just common sense, which apparently isn’t too common anymore…

Only then may you cross the Bridge of Death.

Fink, about to plunge headlong into the Gorge of Peril <dramatic music>

Today’s boot goes to: ME

“I’m going to go to bed an hour early. I’m exhausted.”

So what happens at 4:00 this morning, like the tides and the sunset and taxes? Criminetly. Let’s enjoy that 18-hour day today.

No matter. Tonight will be fun (I hope). Pit will be there for the first time, and the cast are improving on their energy, wardrobe changes, and in general, not wanting to run away screaming. This will be worth their aggravation. This will be worth their aggravation. This will be worth…

But as for me? BOOT to the head.

• Don’t get me started on the whole Jim Tressel thing.
• Don’t get me started on the 3-6 inches of snow that’s predicted for tonight.
• Charlie *yawn* Sheen — BOOT to the head. Don’t get me started.
• Don’t get me started on mean people.
• Don’t get me started on gas prices, and how they might totally smoke my vacation this summer.
• Don’t get me started on … well, anything.

Now, going back to bed? I could get started on that! Happy Thurfsday anyhow. Hugs and good wishes go out to our fiend and regular RtB offender RD, who has a heart catheterization today. Thinking of you, pal!

Sometimes, political correctness makes me want to yak.

One person complained, so the Kewaunee School District in Wisconsin changed their mascot name from the Indians to the Storm. Rather than risk an expensive lawsuit, they capitulated. What’s the country coming to, luvs? I am of Irish and Scottish descent. Shall I take on Notre Dame and the College of Wooster? Surely a shillelagh-brandishing leprechaun or a man in a kilt holding a shield and swinging a sword in a murderous fashion would offend someone, somewhere.

I’d be more offended by these mascot names.

While showing some restraint due to my circumstances, I will go out on a limb and state that Americans are becoming a nation of tattle-tales and boo-hooers. Did it never occur to the woman in Wisconsin who complained about the “Indians” name that the moniker might be a tribute and not a slight? According to Jacqueline Johnson, of the National Congress of American Indians, the problem lies in the complete inaccuracy of most representations by sports teams:

“You’ll see icons or pictures that are not reflective of the people or cultures,” she says. “They become caricatures, and that’s offensive in itself, as it would be to any other race if they were caricatured.”

So, what she’s saying is that most Americans are apparently too shallow and ignorant to see a caricature as a caricature. (Definition of caricature: A representation in which the subject’s distinctive features are deliberately exaggerated to produce a comic effect.) Welp, if caricatures are Big Bads, that takes out the mascot for the Providence Friars, the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Purdue Boilermakers, and countless other icons that, while not depicting race  per se, definitely signify personal identity.

And I ask you, honestly: what is not reflective about the Seminoles mascot? Does this not suggest honor, dignity, power and realism? What could possibly be bad about that? Look at any photo gallery from Native American powwows, and you’ll see that this is an accurate representation. So what if some mascots are cutesy or silly? Are we to clutch the pearls and gasp at every cartoony logo? I mean, if we’re going that far, we may as well petition the ACLU to force Congress to outlaw all satire. What’s good for one is good for all. If you can’t take a joke, there’ll be no joking.

Does the Notre Dame mascot caricature offend me, an Irish American descendant? Heck no. I can see it for what it is. No one is making a hateful statement about a persecuted race. (And don’t tell me that the Irish were not disenfranchised in America years ago.)

I guess I’m personally offended because I consider myself extremely attuned to the past and present plight of the Native Americans. And I’ll go you one further (and this may make me a pariah in some circles): some of the same people who take offense to Chief Wahoo have no problem at all with defacing, burning and even urinating on the American flag, the quintessential symbol of American freedom for which many died, labeling it “art.” But anyone who opposes that behavior is called out as a bigot or nutjob or enemy of personal freedom of expression.

BOOT to the head.

On a completely unrelated, but important, note — John Lennon would have been 70 today. Wow…

Happy weekend, fiends! Alas, I’m off to rehearsal all the live-long day.

Well isn’t this just spectacular. Just when you think the LeBron madness couldn’t get anymore ridiculous, there’s this. Can it just please go away?

Here’s the biggest mistake many Cavs fans made: believing that James cares about them, and “HOME” (I saw the billboards in Cleveland the other day) and loyalty and bringing a pro sports championship of any kind to the state of Ohio. If he chooses to stay in Cleveland, it won’t be because of any of that. His behavior since February is proof positive of it, and this new insanity on ESPN drives the nail in for good. I mean really, since they’ve promised not to drag out the wait time for the announcement past ten minutes, how long will it take him to actually phonate where he’s going? Five seconds? How long does saying a city name like Cleveland, Chicago, Miami, East Rutherford or New York take?

The only ratings jump will be in the first ten minutes. After that, I’d bet that most of the fans in the aforementioned cities — with the exception of the one named by LeBron — will tune out. Idiotic.

LeBron James, his handlers and ESPN: BTTH. But this article — awesome. Haha. Yay for 20/20 perspective when needed.

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While flipping channels before bedtime last night, I came across this gem: Toddlers and Tiaras on TLC. In addition to illustrating the immeasurable lengths asinine maternal units will span in order to live vicariously through their poor daughters, this show reminded me of the old car accident saying: it’s horrifying, but you can’t look away.

Some of the cuter quotes I remember:

Mom #1, hissing in a whisper to her 4-year-old who didn’t want to wear a gargantuan wig onstage: “If you don’t wear the wig, you won’t win the Crown of Royalty!”

Mom #2, in an interview: “If Eden wins this, my $70,000 investment will have been worth it.”

Mom #3, in a startling moment of honesty: “I’m certain it’s more about what I want than what she wants.”

Fantastic. And there was so much more — not to mention the fact that people actually have pictures made of their 6-year-old daughters to look like this. No joke. That’s Regan — a real little girl. It’d be interesting to see how many pedophiles have these pageant sites bookmarked.

Child pageants, everyone who runs them, and especially the parents who exploit their kids in them: BTTH.

Children that age should be at the park, playing hide-and-seek in the big plastic tunnel.